I had a mini panic attack near the close of last year. I felt like I was not ready to face the year’s end, and was not prepared for the coming of the new year. It was a strange and unfamiliar feeling, especially since I had given up on making new year resolutions years ago, which had released me from the stress of needing to be or do something different with the start of each new year.
But life went a bit out of control last year. Work was doable, though dreary and never ending, and there was unnecessary angst caused by people who lacked basic self-control. There were also demands coming in from various angles, and though they were valid demands, I found it more and more challenging to do the things that were important to me, and found myself getting more and more frustrated and worried.
Life was going on a trajectory I didn’t like, and left on its own, I could only see it pushing forward with unabated momentum. Of course, I could let the momentum run its course, see where it lands, and readjust and realign subsequently. But there are things I am pursuing, and I am not sure I could nor I want to afford the delay. And so, I took a swing and executed a chop.
Even now, when I close my eyes, I can still feel the reverberation of that act.
Because it is not as if I have a backup plan. And it is not as if I know nor have an expectation of what or where this would lead. For an intensely risk-averse person, it had taken more than the usual share of boldness.
The stake gambled is one year, but it could be more than that. But the choice has been made, the action has been taken, and there is no looking back. And so, on this first day of the new year, I look forward at the unknown ahead, and with a heart that is settling by the day, find myself facing come what may with a smile:
And so… Hello 2020.
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